The Unforgiven

Last night was our next to last lesson for the year and not an easy one as we asked the question "What if someone won't forgive me?".  This is a slight change of direction from the first two weeks and has multiple layers to unpack, but before we got started with anything, I wanted initial responses from the kids.  Their reactions covered the bulk of responses that most people have.  There was begging, ignoring, getting even and letting it go with a few more sprinkled in for good measure.  And there was no clear "right" answer as they all admitted that it would totally depend on the person and situation.  Remember... they're smart.

So, before we even discussed situational or conditional issues, we opened up the Bible and took a look at some things.  We started in Proverbs 14:9 where we see Solomon contrast foolish and honest people.  The foolish do bad things, laugh about it and don't take it seriously.  But honest people do the right thing.  This is nothing new, but it is cool to see the concept spelled out so plainly but the wisest guy of all time.  We talked about this verse for a second to kind of set the picture of our question.  When we mess up, there is a certain process that we need to follow.  We need to own our mistake, apologize for what we've done and then do our best to fix it.  I used the example of accidentally hitting/throwing a ball through someone's window.  Foolish people would run away, hide and laugh about it.  You know... punks.  But honest people would go to the house, tell the owner what happened, apologize and pay to have it fixed.  That is the right thing.  And we have a responsibility to do the right thing.

So, our question relates to how others respond to us doing the right thing.  What if they don't forgive our apology, for whatever reason.  We flipped to James 5:16 and looked at his advice there.  It says, "So admit to one another that you have sinned. Pray for one another so that you might be healed. The prayer of a godly person is powerful. It makes things happen."  The first part lines up with what we read in Proverbs, but then James says to pray for one another.  This is a crazy concept.  When you are at odds with someone, pray for them.  I asked the kids why on earth would you want to do that.  They talked it out and what we came to was that it would be hard to keep being mad at someone you were praying for.  I also mentioned that praying for someone keeps your heart tender toward them while they work through the forgiveness process.  That brings us to the second part of that sentence: that you might be healed.  Healing is part of forgiveness.

We stopped there for a minute to discuss the reality of hurting and healing.  I started out practically.  If you scrape your knee or break your arm, there is a process you go through to bring about healing.  For a scrape, you clean it, medicate it, bandage it and it scabs over and, after a week or two, it heals.  A broken bone sometimes needs to be set, then immobilized and then several weeks or months later, it heals.  The same is true of relationships.  When we sin against someone, depending on the wrong we do, there is a healing period even after we've apologized.  What James is saying is that we should pray during that time for healing.  And he says that prayer is powerful and works. So, praying keeps us from becoming bitter, resentful or vengeful during their healing process as well as asking the Spirit to soften their hearts and speed up the healing process that leads to forgiveness.

The last two scriptures we looked at give us a great example of the patience of forgiveness.  In 2 Chronicles 7:14 and Psalm 66:16-20, we see God forgiving His people when they sin.  A holy God is able to forgive the horrible things that we do when we apologize.  This gives us hope that others will respond in the same way when we ask for forgiveness.  But while God is able to forgive and forget, we don't have that luxury.  So, a lot of times, when we mess up, own it, apologize and do the right thing, we still may have to wait for forgiveness.  It may not come instantly because there is a healing process that takes place.  That means that we have to practice grace in allowing someone to not forgive us the second we apologize.  We need to forgive them for not forgiving us instantly.

So, what do we do if someone doesn't forgive us?  Wait.  Pray.  Extend grace.  Forgive them.  You know, pretty much all of the things that we don't naturally want to do. But it is important for us to understand this, not only for those people but also for ourselves.  Sometimes the only thing that brings about healing and forgiveness is a little time.  And while praying can speed that up, there are a lot of things we can do to slow it down or make it impossible.  In the same way, we shouldn't get frustrated with ourselves when forgiveness takes a while for us to extend when someone sins against us.  We need to heal as well in those situations. 

I heard the phrase "don't say you're are sorry unless you mean it" a lot going up.  I say it often to my kids now.  Our apologies should be sincere.  But so should our forgiveness.  And we need to allow someone to get to the point where they can honestly say, "you're forgiven", and mean it.  That takes time.  For different people and different situations, that could be a few hours, a few days or maybe a few years.  Different wounds heal at different rates.  Sure, it isn't fun or easy to wait to be forgiven.  I think it is probably why we are told to try hard not to sin against one another.  But when we do mess up, we can do the right thing and know that the rest of it is up to the other person.  And once we've done that, we should give them the time, space and grace it takes to get to the point of forgiving us.