Last night was our next to last lesson for the year and not an easy one as we asked the question "What if someone won't forgive me?". This is a slight change of direction from the first two weeks and has multiple layers to unpack, but before we got started with anything, I wanted initial responses from the kids. Their reactions covered the bulk of responses that most people have. There was begging, ignoring, getting even and letting it go with a few more sprinkled in for good measure. And there was no clear "right" answer as they all admitted that it would totally depend on the person and situation. Remember... they're smart.
So, before we even discussed situational or conditional issues, we opened up the Bible and took a look at some things. We started in Proverbs 14:9 where we see Solomon contrast foolish and honest people. The foolish do bad things, laugh about it and don't take it seriously. But honest people do the right thing. This is nothing new, but it is cool to see the concept spelled out so plainly but the wisest guy of all time. We talked about this verse for a second to kind of set the picture of our question. When we mess up, there is a certain process that we need to follow. We need to own our mistake, apologize for what we've done and then do our best to fix it. I used the example of accidentally hitting/throwing a ball through someone's window. Foolish people would run away, hide and laugh about it. You know... punks. But honest people would go to the house, tell the owner what happened, apologize and pay to have it fixed. That is the right thing. And we have a responsibility to do the right thing.
So, our question relates to how others respond to us doing the right thing. What if they don't forgive our apology, for whatever reason. We flipped to James 5:16 and looked at his advice there. It says, "So admit to one another that you have sinned. Pray for one another so
that you might be healed. The prayer of a godly person is powerful. It
makes things happen." The first part lines up with what we read in Proverbs, but then James says to pray for one another. This is a crazy concept. When you are at odds with someone, pray for them. I asked the kids why on earth would you want to do that. They talked it out and what we came to was that it would be hard to keep being mad at someone you were praying for. I also mentioned that praying for someone keeps your heart tender toward them while they work through the forgiveness process. That brings us to the second part of that sentence: that you might be healed. Healing is part of forgiveness.
We stopped there for a minute to discuss the reality of hurting and healing. I started out practically. If you scrape your knee or break your arm, there is a process you go through to bring about healing. For a scrape, you clean it, medicate it, bandage it and it scabs over and, after a week or two, it heals. A broken bone sometimes needs to be set, then immobilized and then several weeks or months later, it heals. The same is true of relationships. When we sin against someone, depending on the wrong we do, there is a healing period even after we've apologized. What James is saying is that we should pray during that time for healing. And he says that prayer is powerful and works. So, praying keeps us from becoming bitter, resentful or vengeful during their healing process as well as asking the Spirit to soften their hearts and speed up the healing process that leads to forgiveness.
The last two scriptures we looked at give us a great example of the patience of forgiveness. In 2 Chronicles 7:14 and Psalm 66:16-20, we see God forgiving His people when they sin. A holy God is able to forgive the horrible things that we do when we apologize. This gives us hope that others will respond in the same way when we ask for forgiveness. But while God is able to forgive and forget, we don't have that luxury. So, a lot of times, when we mess up, own it, apologize and do the right thing, we still may have to wait for forgiveness. It may not come instantly because there is a healing process that takes place. That means that we have to practice grace in allowing someone to not forgive us the second we apologize. We need to forgive them for not forgiving us instantly.
So, what do we do if someone doesn't forgive us? Wait. Pray. Extend grace. Forgive them. You know, pretty much all of the things that we don't naturally want to do. But it is important for us to understand this, not only for those people but also for ourselves. Sometimes the only thing that brings about healing and forgiveness is a little time. And while praying can speed that up, there are a lot of things we can do to slow it down or make it impossible. In the same way, we shouldn't get frustrated with ourselves when forgiveness takes a while for us to extend when someone sins against us. We need to heal as well in those situations.
I heard the phrase "don't say you're are sorry unless you mean it" a lot going up. I say it often to my kids now. Our apologies should be sincere. But so should our forgiveness. And we need to allow someone to get to the point where they can honestly say, "you're forgiven", and mean it. That takes time. For different people and different situations, that could be a few hours, a few days or maybe a few years. Different wounds heal at different rates. Sure, it isn't fun or easy to wait to be forgiven. I think it is probably why we are told to try hard not to sin against one another. But when we do mess up, we can do the right thing and know that the rest of it is up to the other person. And once we've done that, we should give them the time, space and grace it takes to get to the point of forgiving us.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Say You're Sorry
We continued our conversation on forgiveness last night by asking the question "What if someone doesn't ask for forgiveness?". After all, we kind of got the feeling last week that the people that God was telling us to forgive 77 times or 490 times were apologizing. But what if they don't? Should we forgive them? I started by polling the kids and seeing what they thought. 80% said they should forgive no matter what. But the other 20% disagreed. And, just to be honest with them, I told them that I wasn't completely sure myself. That's why we ask questions and look at scriptures in Surge, rather than just listening to some guy's opinion.
That being said, we jumped right in and turned to Matthew 6:14-15. Jesus is giving some pretty solid instruction on prayer. He had just given a model prayer that outlines the "how" we should pray and follows it up with the command to forgive one another. But not just because he says so. Rather, he tells us to forgive so that God will forgive us. So we are to forgive others so that God will forgive us. And just in case that isn't clear enough, he follows that up by warning that if we don't forgive people, then God won't forgive us. Interestingly enough, no conditions surround the command to forgive. It doesn't say to forgive those who apologize or show remorse. It says to forgive others when they sin against you. Period.
Ok... but that's just one verse. Surely Jesus has more to say. So we flipped to Luke 6:27-31. Here we see some crazy instructions that fly in the face of reason. Jesus says love our enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those that curse you and pray for those who treat you bad. Seriously? And if that wasn't enough, he gives practical examples of how to respond to someone mistreating you or stealing from you. And he ends it with the golden rule of treating others the way we want to be treated. I stopped and asked the kids if they had ever had someone do something bad to them and not apologize. They all eagerly raised their hands. I asked if any of them had done something bad to someone else and not said they were sorry. They all raised their hands again, but with a little less excitement. Yet, we all expect to be forgiven when we do the bad thing. When we treat others the way we want to be treated, it means that we extend the same grace that we want.
I talked about how ridiculous that must have sounded to the people Jesus was talking to. You know, just as ridiculous as it sounds to us. What makes it hard to hear is that it doesn't line up with our sense of justice. It isn't right to bless those that curse you or pray for that treat you bad. If someone steals our coat, we report them to the authorities. We don't start pealing off additional layers to give them. And I'm sure the religious leaders balked in much the same way. But Jesus was on to something that goes beyond rights, possession and even justice.
Lastly, we looked at Ephesians 4:31-32. Here Paul commands the church in Ephesus to get rid of their feelings of anger and rage toward one another. He tells them to the be kind and tender to one another. He instructs them to forgive, just as God has forgiven them because of what Jesus had done for them. Again, no conditional response based on remorse or repentance. Just a command to forgive. So, no matter what someone does, you always forgive even if they don't say they are sorry?
Yes.
However, we also have a model relationship with our Creator through His son. That relationship exists because of grace by faith. And salvation comes, in part, by asking for forgiveness for our sins. So I asked the kids a hard question. After we've been justified and our sins are no longer held against us, why do we continue to ask for forgiveness for the sins that we commit? They thought for a long time but no one had an answer. It's an important question and one that we too often overlook the importance of. Why do we continue to tell God we're sorry once we have been forgiven of all of our sins? I'll spare you the route we took to get there, but the end result (that they came to) was that it is all about maintaining our relationship. We ask for forgiveness to keep the relationship right. God forgives us because of what Jesus did, but in our relationship with Him, we still need to say we're sorry.
So, do we forgive people that don't apologize? Absolutely! Every time! But, we also understand that apologies are what help maintain relationships and lack of them can destroy one. And while that is important to understand from the one who has been sinned against, it is even more important to grasp as one who sins. Jesus said the greatest command was to love. Relationships are the most important thing. Love is how we build relationships but forgiveness is how we maintain them. So when we mess up, we need to apologize. And when someone doesn't apologize to us, we forgive them and extend grace to them. But also with the understanding that it affects the relationship. Why do we do it? Not because it is easy. Not because it is fair. But because God forgave us first and promises to continue to forgive us if we do.
That being said, we jumped right in and turned to Matthew 6:14-15. Jesus is giving some pretty solid instruction on prayer. He had just given a model prayer that outlines the "how" we should pray and follows it up with the command to forgive one another. But not just because he says so. Rather, he tells us to forgive so that God will forgive us. So we are to forgive others so that God will forgive us. And just in case that isn't clear enough, he follows that up by warning that if we don't forgive people, then God won't forgive us. Interestingly enough, no conditions surround the command to forgive. It doesn't say to forgive those who apologize or show remorse. It says to forgive others when they sin against you. Period.
Ok... but that's just one verse. Surely Jesus has more to say. So we flipped to Luke 6:27-31. Here we see some crazy instructions that fly in the face of reason. Jesus says love our enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those that curse you and pray for those who treat you bad. Seriously? And if that wasn't enough, he gives practical examples of how to respond to someone mistreating you or stealing from you. And he ends it with the golden rule of treating others the way we want to be treated. I stopped and asked the kids if they had ever had someone do something bad to them and not apologize. They all eagerly raised their hands. I asked if any of them had done something bad to someone else and not said they were sorry. They all raised their hands again, but with a little less excitement. Yet, we all expect to be forgiven when we do the bad thing. When we treat others the way we want to be treated, it means that we extend the same grace that we want.
I talked about how ridiculous that must have sounded to the people Jesus was talking to. You know, just as ridiculous as it sounds to us. What makes it hard to hear is that it doesn't line up with our sense of justice. It isn't right to bless those that curse you or pray for that treat you bad. If someone steals our coat, we report them to the authorities. We don't start pealing off additional layers to give them. And I'm sure the religious leaders balked in much the same way. But Jesus was on to something that goes beyond rights, possession and even justice.
Lastly, we looked at Ephesians 4:31-32. Here Paul commands the church in Ephesus to get rid of their feelings of anger and rage toward one another. He tells them to the be kind and tender to one another. He instructs them to forgive, just as God has forgiven them because of what Jesus had done for them. Again, no conditional response based on remorse or repentance. Just a command to forgive. So, no matter what someone does, you always forgive even if they don't say they are sorry?
Yes.
However, we also have a model relationship with our Creator through His son. That relationship exists because of grace by faith. And salvation comes, in part, by asking for forgiveness for our sins. So I asked the kids a hard question. After we've been justified and our sins are no longer held against us, why do we continue to ask for forgiveness for the sins that we commit? They thought for a long time but no one had an answer. It's an important question and one that we too often overlook the importance of. Why do we continue to tell God we're sorry once we have been forgiven of all of our sins? I'll spare you the route we took to get there, but the end result (that they came to) was that it is all about maintaining our relationship. We ask for forgiveness to keep the relationship right. God forgives us because of what Jesus did, but in our relationship with Him, we still need to say we're sorry.
So, do we forgive people that don't apologize? Absolutely! Every time! But, we also understand that apologies are what help maintain relationships and lack of them can destroy one. And while that is important to understand from the one who has been sinned against, it is even more important to grasp as one who sins. Jesus said the greatest command was to love. Relationships are the most important thing. Love is how we build relationships but forgiveness is how we maintain them. So when we mess up, we need to apologize. And when someone doesn't apologize to us, we forgive them and extend grace to them. But also with the understanding that it affects the relationship. Why do we do it? Not because it is easy. Not because it is fair. But because God forgave us first and promises to continue to forgive us if we do.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Forgiveness Math
Last night we kicked off the first lesson of the last series for Surge this year. It was bittersweet! And we saved the best... and possibly hardest lessons for last. For the next four weeks we're going to be all about forgiveness. What better way to come off of Easter and the ultimate act of forgiveness to discuss the topic that so many people struggle with. So, last night was all about how many times we have to forgive someone. I started by asking the kids what they thought. They mentioned that it depends on what they do to us and who it is. After all, stepping on my toe and burning down my house are two entirely different things. And if you're my best-friend, you're probably going to be forgiven differently than my worst enemy. But, in general, they said something around 2 or 3 times, with a couple other random numbers. And that's pretty fair for what we experience in our world, right? Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. Three strikes and you're out. But is that what we should show people? And better yet, is that what we expect shown to us?
So, to kick things off, we see the Apostle Peter asking pretty much the same question in Matthew 18:21. But, instead of 2 or 3 times, the disciple suggests even up to 7 times. I'm sure he felt very generous with that amount. Surely that would be plenty. But Jesus' response, depending on the translation you use, says 77 or 70 times 7. And then, just to drive his point home, Jesus breaks out into story. His story of the servant without mercy puts it all into perspective. Those who have been forgiven a great debt should forgive the same way. So whether you read 77 or 490, the reality is the same... God wants us to forgive a bunch.
So, there isn't a formula for how many times, but do we always have to forgive? We flipped over to Luke 17 and we see a little more explanation. Jesus says that we should tell people when they sin and if they repent, or turn away, to forgive them. And if they do it seven times on one day? Forgive them seven times. To put some perspective to this, I suggested that if I came up to them and punched them in the face and then said I was sorry, and then did it 6 more times, would they really want to forgive me? Of course not, which is why this is such a hard thing. Memory and self-preservation make it hard. We don't like being hurt, made fun of, embarrassed or betrayed. But I pointed out that Jesus didn't say we have to be their best friend - we just simple have to forgive them. If someone punches you in the face every time you see them, extending forgiveness is commanded, but no one says you have to stand around and wait for it.
Another key thing I mentioned at this point is that forgiving someone doesn't mean not holding them accountable and punishing them when they mess up. If someone kills a member of your family, you can forgive them but also they still need to go to prison. If your friend lies to you, you can forgive them, but it doesn't mean you have to be their friend. There are consequences for sin, but we're still to forgive those sins when people commit them.
Lastly, we looked at Colossians 3:13. This verse is killer when it comes to how we respond to forgiveness. First, it tells us to put up with each other. It doesn't say like everyone. It doesn't say hold hands and sing songs and wear a smile all day. It says put up with each other. That means that you aren't going to always like them and they won't always like you, but out of love, deal with it. Then it says to forgive the things you are holding on to. But not just forgive them, forgive them the same way God forgave you. Ouch! That is as simple of a command as you can give. No need for math. No need for tally marks or a score sheet. Simply forgive the same way God forgave you.
I asked the kids if they like being forgiven. I asked them if they expect to be forgiven. I asked for a practical example of their day-to-day life about how this works. I got great replies, but one took the cake. She said she expected her parents to forgive her when she messes up, and they always do, even if she has to get punished. But, she says when they break a promise to her, like not taking her somewhere or doing something for her, she has a hard time forgiving them. I asked the kids if they could relate and it was a unanimous yes. We love the part where we get forgiven. We love that Jesus died for our sins and that God forgives us. So why is it that we have a hard time giving what we enjoy getting so much?
I wish I could tell you that this is an easy lesson for me to teach because I've mastered it. But, as I told them, the point of discipleship, especially at their age, is so that they can figure these things out at 10 or 11 and be further down the road than their parents and teachers by the time they are our age. And it might just take them all of that time to develop the habit of showing that kind of forgiveness. But there is no question of how much grace we should extend or how much forgiveness we should give. It's only as much as God has shown us.
So, to kick things off, we see the Apostle Peter asking pretty much the same question in Matthew 18:21. But, instead of 2 or 3 times, the disciple suggests even up to 7 times. I'm sure he felt very generous with that amount. Surely that would be plenty. But Jesus' response, depending on the translation you use, says 77 or 70 times 7. And then, just to drive his point home, Jesus breaks out into story. His story of the servant without mercy puts it all into perspective. Those who have been forgiven a great debt should forgive the same way. So whether you read 77 or 490, the reality is the same... God wants us to forgive a bunch.
So, there isn't a formula for how many times, but do we always have to forgive? We flipped over to Luke 17 and we see a little more explanation. Jesus says that we should tell people when they sin and if they repent, or turn away, to forgive them. And if they do it seven times on one day? Forgive them seven times. To put some perspective to this, I suggested that if I came up to them and punched them in the face and then said I was sorry, and then did it 6 more times, would they really want to forgive me? Of course not, which is why this is such a hard thing. Memory and self-preservation make it hard. We don't like being hurt, made fun of, embarrassed or betrayed. But I pointed out that Jesus didn't say we have to be their best friend - we just simple have to forgive them. If someone punches you in the face every time you see them, extending forgiveness is commanded, but no one says you have to stand around and wait for it.
Another key thing I mentioned at this point is that forgiving someone doesn't mean not holding them accountable and punishing them when they mess up. If someone kills a member of your family, you can forgive them but also they still need to go to prison. If your friend lies to you, you can forgive them, but it doesn't mean you have to be their friend. There are consequences for sin, but we're still to forgive those sins when people commit them.
Lastly, we looked at Colossians 3:13. This verse is killer when it comes to how we respond to forgiveness. First, it tells us to put up with each other. It doesn't say like everyone. It doesn't say hold hands and sing songs and wear a smile all day. It says put up with each other. That means that you aren't going to always like them and they won't always like you, but out of love, deal with it. Then it says to forgive the things you are holding on to. But not just forgive them, forgive them the same way God forgave you. Ouch! That is as simple of a command as you can give. No need for math. No need for tally marks or a score sheet. Simply forgive the same way God forgave you.
I asked the kids if they like being forgiven. I asked them if they expect to be forgiven. I asked for a practical example of their day-to-day life about how this works. I got great replies, but one took the cake. She said she expected her parents to forgive her when she messes up, and they always do, even if she has to get punished. But, she says when they break a promise to her, like not taking her somewhere or doing something for her, she has a hard time forgiving them. I asked the kids if they could relate and it was a unanimous yes. We love the part where we get forgiven. We love that Jesus died for our sins and that God forgives us. So why is it that we have a hard time giving what we enjoy getting so much?
I wish I could tell you that this is an easy lesson for me to teach because I've mastered it. But, as I told them, the point of discipleship, especially at their age, is so that they can figure these things out at 10 or 11 and be further down the road than their parents and teachers by the time they are our age. And it might just take them all of that time to develop the habit of showing that kind of forgiveness. But there is no question of how much grace we should extend or how much forgiveness we should give. It's only as much as God has shown us.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Hot Topic!
Last night we broke away from our normal routine to do a Hot Topic on the Geography of the Bible. Wait... don't start yawning. While it might not sound like the most interesting topic on the surface, I'd be willing to bet that most adults, including parents, would be surprised at how little they know about simply things related to location in the Bible. Things like the location of Mount Ararat, which river the city of Nineveh is on and where the region of Galatia is in relation to the cities of Thessolonica and Philippi. And while that might seem like trivial knowledge, it really makes understanding a lot of the subtle things in scripture easier and fuller than just a "somewhere over there" mentality.
But 4th and 5th graders? Yeah, ok... I could see someone questioning a 10 year-old being interested in which of the tribes got which plot of land in Canaan. And honestly, they weren't bouncing off the walls with enthusiasm. But, with the way we do Hot Topics, they not only heard the information, but they saw it and wrote it down. And if I could have figured out a way to have them smell it or taste it, I would. But because of getting them to see, hear and write it, I feel like they'll retain at least some of it for many years to come. After all, the Spirit can't bring something to mind that they've never been exposed to.
But 4th and 5th graders? Yeah, ok... I could see someone questioning a 10 year-old being interested in which of the tribes got which plot of land in Canaan. And honestly, they weren't bouncing off the walls with enthusiasm. But, with the way we do Hot Topics, they not only heard the information, but they saw it and wrote it down. And if I could have figured out a way to have them smell it or taste it, I would. But because of getting them to see, hear and write it, I feel like they'll retain at least some of it for many years to come. After all, the Spirit can't bring something to mind that they've never been exposed to.
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